How a gust of wind sent me on a brief emotional roller coaster

This morning, on my walk, it was windy, and I noticed a bunch of leaves come off the trees. It instantly triggered anxiety in me because leaves falling off trees means fall is coming and fall means winter is coming, and I've lived with seasonal (winter) depression for a decade. 

Every single year, winter would take me down. Some years were better than others, but every one was hard. Over the years, I saw the pattern and knew what was coming, which was its own curse. When you know the next five months are going to destroy all the happiness you've made for yourself, it really takes the wind out of your sails. Eventually, the dread started to build as soon as spring began because I only had a limited time to come out of my deep winter rut and feel like myself again, plus store good feelings and memories to help prop me up through the next winter. While I started to feel anxiety year-round because of it, the underlying panic would start in the fall. Every year, I told myself, "This one is going to be better. I'm determined to make it so." But it was still the same, and I began to feel hopeless and powerless. 

All of that came to me when I saw those leaves tumbling down—forshadowing the seasons ahead. It was really weird how such a benign thing could affect me so strongly. And then I remembered that I'm home, and it won't be like that anymore. I remembered that here, wintry days are mild and temporary, and that after a long summer, fall is a breath of fresh air, not something to be afraid of. Falling leaves are okay. I'm where I belong.

Divorce

My posts have been sparse over the past couple of years. I've been truly overwhelmed.

Starting January 2015, I became quite depressed after losing my job and trying to find a new one while I was struggling with my annual SAD (seasonal affective disorder). In February, my grandmother died. In March, I got engaged. In April, I started a new job. In May, I moved. I basically planned my wedding by myself. In July, my dad had open-heart surgery with a difficult recovery, and I started having bad back problems. In August, I got married. In October, I was so depressed, I finally saw a therapist. In November, I saw a doctor for my depression. In January 2016 I was feeling a bit suicidal. In March, I experienced emotional trauma, and I got on an anti-depressant. I took a 3-week sabbatical because I simply could not continue as things were. I also had debilitating stomach problems. In April, my trauma grew. I also made big boundary changes in my life. In July, I got on a stronger anti-depressant. In October, I had hip surgery. In November, I separated from my husband. In December, I lost my job. In January, we filed for divorce, and I moved to Texas. Last month, on Valentine's Day (ironic), it became final. And throughout all this time, I have been to countless appointments with many doctors to help me fix my painful back/hip problems, none of which have been successful. Plus, I have had a continual stream of breakdowns because I have been in a constant state of stress.

It's been a whirlwind of trials and determination, "love" and heartbreak, hope and fear, weakness and strength, stress and survival.

Really, just survival.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with all this. It seems like any time I read a blog post that begins with something really ugly or sad, it ends with a positive lesson learned. I honestly feel like I don't really have one to offer. Despite my innate clairvoyance, I still entered into a marriage that was doomed to fail from the beginning. I don't know that there's much of anything I could have done to prevent it. And I know there's nothing I could have done to repair it. I simply couldn't have known. And if that's the case, why would God allow me to marry someone in the temple when he knew that marriage was going to fail? Isn't temple marriage sacred? Why didn't he tell me not to marry him? I asked him to tell me if it really wasn't right. Can I trust God with my major life decisions? I don't feel like I can now. What does that mean? Was my depression so severe already at that point that I could not receive God's word? Is that even a thing? I mean, God is omnipotent, right? He can break through the walls of depression, right? Why would he allow me to go through the torture of a terrible marriage on top of depression? Why would he not show up (at least in a way I could recognize) in my time of greatest need? Is there meaning in everything, or does life just happen and we have to deal with it? What am I supposed to learn from all this?

I don't have the answers, and frankly, I'm driving myself crazy trying to find them.

So for now, I'm just going to try (and trust me, it's going to be a struggle) to be positive and patient and enjoy the good moments and be grateful for what I have. And I'm going to write them right here, right now so that I can come back to them when I need a reminder. I may also add to the list as I go along.

1. A family I can count on
2. A family that doesn't make me feel like a burden while they're serving me
3. A dad who spent an entire weekend flying, packing, loading, and driving me to Texas
4. A mother who so patiently listens and talks to me and, most amazingly, understands me
5. Modern technology so we can communicate anytime
6. A comfortable house to come home to with loving parents who are still together
7. Brothers and sisters who are kind and thoughtful
8. An education
9. Savings
10. Supportive friends
11. Good visiting teachers
12. Enough self esteem and wisdom to walk away from a bad marriage
13. That divorce is an option
14. The blessing I got from my brother at Christmas
15. The chance to finally move home to Texas
16. That I only have to get in a car instead of a plane to visit anyone in my family
17. The option I have of just taking a break for a second while I get back on track
18. Anti-depressants
19. Warm winter weather
20. Blooming flora
21. The chance to begin again

The Floof

This is SUPER late (since I got her over a year ago), but say hello to my kitty, The Floof. She is just over two years old now, and I got her from the Humane Society of Utah. She is cuddly, quiet, playful, and she growls like a dog sometimes. It's actually really adorable. She also loves to scare me, chirp at me, jump in boxes, and play with any type of toy. The hair on her tail is extra long, so when she's scared, her tail becomes this giant feather-duster-looking thing. It's amazing. She's also the reason there is a black cat in my blog banner now. We're moving (driving) to Texas this weekend, so wish us luck! I'm hoping she'll handle the trip well.