Starting January 2015, I became quite depressed after losing my job and trying to find a new one while I was struggling with my annual SAD (seasonal affective disorder). In February, my grandmother died. In March, I got engaged. In April, I started a new job. In May, I moved. I basically planned my wedding by myself. In July, my dad had open-heart surgery with a difficult recovery, and I started having bad back problems. In August, I got married. In October, I was so depressed, I finally saw a therapist. In November, I saw a doctor for my depression. In January 2016 I was feeling a bit suicidal. In March, I experienced emotional trauma, and I got on an anti-depressant. I took a 3-week sabbatical because I simply could not continue as things were. I also had debilitating stomach problems. In April, my trauma grew. I also made big boundary changes in my life. In July, I got on a stronger anti-depressant. In October, I had hip surgery. In November, I separated from my husband. In December, I lost my job. In January, we filed for divorce, and I moved to Texas. Last month, on Valentine's Day (ironic), it became final. And throughout all this time, I have been to countless appointments with many doctors to help me fix my painful back/hip problems, none of which have been successful. Plus, I have had a continual stream of breakdowns because I have been in a constant state of stress.
It's been a whirlwind of trials and determination, "love" and heartbreak, hope and fear, weakness and strength, stress and survival.
Really, just survival.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with all this. It seems like any time I read a blog post that begins with something really ugly or sad, it ends with a positive lesson learned. I honestly feel like I don't really have one to offer. Despite my innate clairvoyance, I still entered into a marriage that was doomed to fail from the beginning. I don't know that there's much of anything I could have done to prevent it. And I know there's nothing I could have done to repair it. I simply couldn't have known. And if that's the case, why would God allow me to marry someone in the temple when he knew that marriage was going to fail? Isn't temple marriage sacred? Why didn't he tell me not to marry him? I asked him to tell me if it really wasn't right. Can I trust God with my major life decisions? I don't feel like I can now. What does that mean? Was my depression so severe already at that point that I could not receive God's word? Is that even a thing? I mean, God is omnipotent, right? He can break through the walls of depression, right? Why would he allow me to go through the torture of a terrible marriage on top of depression? Why would he not show up (at least in a way I could recognize) in my time of greatest need? Is there meaning in everything, or does life just happen and we have to deal with it? What am I supposed to learn from all this?
I don't have the answers, and frankly, I'm driving myself crazy trying to find them.
So for now, I'm just going to try (and trust me, it's going to be a struggle) to be positive and patient and enjoy the good moments and be grateful for what I have. And I'm going to write them right here, right now so that I can come back to them when I need a reminder. I may also add to the list as I go along.
- A family I can count on
- A family that doesn't make me feel like a burden while they're serving me
- A dad who spent an entire weekend flying, packing, loading, and driving me to Texas
- A mother who so patiently listens and talks to me and, most amazingly, understands me
- Modern technology so we can communicate anytime
- A comfortable house to come home to with loving parents who are still together
- Brothers and sisters who are kind and thoughtful
- An education
- Supportive friends
- Good visiting teachers
- Enough self esteem and wisdom to walk away from a bad marriage
- That divorce is an option
- The blessing I got from my brother at Christmas
- The chance to finally move home to Texas
- That I only have to get in a car instead of a plane to visit anyone in my family
- The option I have of just taking a break for a second while I get back on track
- Warm winter weather
- Blooming flora
- The chance to begin again